Consider Me Gone
by Oneturtledove
Summary: Consider me a memory, consider me the past. Consider me a smile in an old photograph, the one who used to make you laugh.


Disclaimer: They are not mine.

Spoilers: Post-IWTB.

A/N: I know that no one's going to like this, but I had to do it. I'm not sure how it will end yet. We'll have to wait and see.

* * *

She'd never been good at saying no. She'd spent most of her life feeling the repercussions of yes. Some weren't so bad, but some hurt. That hurt outweighed a lot of things, making her tired, sad, and all around miserable. Chalk it up to a midlife crisis, a hormonal imbalance, or the frustration of stagnation, but she needed to change something, and fast.

It had been months of frustrations, disappointments and anger all leading up to this moment. The moment where she opened his office door but didn't come in and stood there quietly until he turned around.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his eyes squinting as he tried to read her expression.

"I'm leaving."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know."

His face turned a light shade of gray as he realized what she was saying. She was leaving, and coming back wasn't in the equation.

"I'm not sure I understand, Scully."

"I can't be here anymore. It's too hard. I haven't had my own life in 18 years, and I want it back. I'm tired of being second chair to your endless stream of newspapers and tabloids and mysterious 3 a.m. phone calls. I'm tired of always being the one to say I love you first, always being the one to initiate a conversation or anything else. I'm tired of having the weight of this relationship on my shoulders and I'm tired of being uncertain of my place here. I can't do it anymore, Mulder."

"Why haven't you said anything?"

"I didn't think I had to. You used to know me better than that. But that was back before you had me. Now I'm here and I've always stayed and you take me for granted. I guess sometimes these things just run their course."

"So you're just taking off?" he asked, standing from his chair and putting his hand on his hips. "Things get a little tough and you give up? That's not the person I fell in love with."

"Fell in love with? Mulder, you were never in love with me. I was just a warm body."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means what I said. It wouldn't matter who your partner was, you would have claimed to be in love with them too. Whatever we have together doesn't matter as much as having someone next to you. That's how you are. But I can't live like that. I need to be loved and valued and I don't get that from you."

"After all these years, all the crap we've survived, we finally get to a place where he have nothing holding us back, and you want to ditch it?"

"You can try and belittle me and make me feel guilty all you want. You've done it before. But it's not going to change things. I'm done."

"You can't go."

"Why not? Give me one reason why I should stick around. Just one good reason for me not to leave."

Tears were streaming down her face, and he could see how bad this was hurting her. And despite his desire to fall on his knees and beg her to stay, she was right. And he couldn't think of a reason why she should stay. He loved her, it was true, but that didn't seem to be enough. He could have killed himself for the pain he inflicted on her, for the mental games he'd played, for the nights she had cried when she didn't know he was in the room.

"I can't. I can't try to get you to stay when you really need to leave. I hope that's love enough, but if it's not then I've done all I can."

She looked taken aback, as she'd been expecting a fight.

"I don't want you to go. I don't know what I'll do. I don't even know what to think. But if you really need to go, then go."

Her tears squeezed through her closed eyes and a sob came out.

"I don't want to do this. I don't want to leave you, but I can't keep lying to myself, and I can't keep lying to you. I'm not happy anymore. I'm not myself. I don't like how things are, and we can't keep up a relationship like this. We just can't."

He pulled her into his arms and they cried together for several minutes before she said anything.

"I will never, never love anyone the way I love you, Mulder."

"I know."

"I don't want to do this."

"Can we talk? Later, after you're settled?"

"I don't know."

He took her face in his hands, studying it as if it were the Rosetta Stone and he had only a few moments to learn it. He'd never seen such brokenness in her eyes before.

"Where will you be?"

"John and Monica's. After that I don't know."

"I really do love you, Scully. I always have. I don't want you to forget that."

She just shook her head and pulled away.

"I need to go. I need to go before I stay."

His hands met hers and he leaned down and kissed her one last time before she sniffled, picked up her suitcase and headed for the door. The fight had left both of them, and even the last lingering meeting of eyes wasn't enough for either of them to reach back.

"Stay safe, Mulder," she said, the doorknob as cold as death in her hand.

"I will, Scully. You too."

* * *

_Every time I turn the conversation  
to something deeper than the weather  
I can feel you always shuttin' down.  
__And when I need an explanation for the silence,__  
you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now. __  
_

_What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear,  
we're at a crossroads here... __  
_

_If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose __  
__If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you __  
__If you don't get drunk on my kiss __  
__If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done __  
__Let's not drag this on __  
__Consider Me Gone__  
_

_With you I've always been wide open,  
like a window or an ocean. _

_There is nothing I've ever tried to hide. __  
__So when you leave me not knowin'_  
_where you're goin' I start thinkin'  
that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye. __  
__  
__How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me... __  
__  
__If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose __  
__If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you __  
__If you don't get drunk on my kiss __  
__If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done __  
__Let's not drag this on __  
__Consider me gone. __  
__  
__Consider me a memory. __  
__Consider me the past. __  
__Consider me a smile in an old photograph, someone who used to make you laugh. __  
__  
__If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose __  
__If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you __  
__Then I guess we're done, let's not drag this on. __  
__Consider me gone. __  
__Consider me gone. __  
__Consider me gone. __  
__Just consider me gone. _


End file.
